'Y'all were both kind of delusional': Man asks his fiancé to re-home her dog after he moves in with 9-year-old daughter who's allergic, she refuses

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Dec 6, 2024 3:00 PM EST

Allergies are no joke. If it's an environmental one, like pet hair, then any space that has or has had a pet in it can become a no-fly zone for people with severe allergies. It's just not worth the risk of a flare-up. 

But what happens when you're dating someone that has a pet? Dating is no easy task on its own. It can take a lifetime of meeting people, dating, and breaking up before you find someone you'd like to spend the rest of your life with. So if you find that person, you probably want to hold onto them. But what if an allergy makes that impossible? That's what happened to this couple, who encountered an impasse when someone important in their lives had a serious allergy. They were split on how to go forward, and who, if anyone, was at fault. Read on for the story and see what you think.

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  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 10437269760
    via Unsplash+ (Getty Images)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story

  • 02
    AITA for refusing to give up my dog for my fiancé's allergic daughter?
    via u/TheAngelRaisedBySin
  • 03
    I (34F) have a golden retriever, Max. He's been with me for seven years, and he's more than a pet-he's family. My fiancé, Tim (37M), recently moved in with his 9-year-old daughter, Emily. Emily is severely allergic to dogs. Not the "take a Benadryl and you're fine" kind-she breaks out in hives and has serious breathing issues.
    via u/TheAngelRaisedBySin
  • 04
    Tim knew I had Max from the start, and when we were dating, he swore it wouldn't be a problem because they didn't live with me. But now that they've moved in, it's a constant issue. Emily's allergy flares up every time she's here, and now Tim's demanding I rehome Max "for her safety."
    via u/TheAngelRaisedBySin
  • 05
    I've suggested every compromise I can think of: keeping Max out of her room, constant deep cleaning, investing in air purifiers, even boarding Max part-time when Emily is over. But none of it is good enough. Tim says I need to "put Emily first" and get rid of Max completely. He also made it clear that if I don't, we might need to rethink the wedding.
    via u/TheAngelRaisedBySin
  • 06
    I told him flat-out that I'm not rehoming Max. I love Tim and Emily, but Max is family, and I'm not dumping him like an old piece of furniture. Tim says I'm selfish and "not ready to be a stepmom." His family has piled on, saying I'm prioritizing a dog over a child, and now I'm the villain of the week. My friends are split-some agree with me, others think I'm being heartless.
    via u/TheAngelRaisedBySin
  • 07
    • Rich_Restaurant_3709 2h ago NTA - it says a lot to me that he moved in with OP. My guess is he did know how bad her allergies are, but he likes OPs living situation more than his own, and was hoping to strong arm OP to get his way. This is not a good look for him either way. Here are the scenarios...
    via u/Rich_Restaurant_3709
  • 08
    1. A dad who is so clueless he has no idea how bad his daughter's allergies are. 2. A dad willing to disrupt his daughter's life by moving in with someone (instead of having OP move in with him), and having that new environment be a hazard to her health 3. A partner willing to put his daughter's well being at risk just to get his way
    via u/Rich_Restaurant_3709
  • 09
    Any one of these would be a deal breaker for me. By any chance is your financial situation pretty stable? Do you have a decent amount of career this success? I don't want to jump to him using you OP, but does not seem like a guy you should spend your life with.
    via u/Rich_Restaurant_3709
  • 10
    Aidyn_the_Grey • 2h ago • Y'all were both kind of delusional to think this wouldn't be an issue tbh. Like would you date someone with a kid if you were staunchly child-free? No (unless you're either an idiot or cruel), you'd find someone that matches your life. There was never going to be a happy compromise when her allergies are that bad. You both
    via u/Aidyn_the_Grey
  • 11
    should have known that. You both should be rethinking marriage as you aren't compatible. Your dog is family to you, and as it isn't fair for his daughter to suffer, it isn't fair for you to have to give your dog up. That's where you are now: either she's gonna suffer because of allergies, which means he's gonna suffer, and in turn you will, or you give your dog up and resent him and her for it, in turn
    via u/Aidyn_the_Grey
  • 12
    leading to suffering, or you break up, which in turn, you guessed it, leads to suffering. Y'all really should have thought this through. So NTA for not wanting to give up your dog, but ESH (minus daughter and dog) on the whole for getting yourselves in this mess.
    via u/Aidyn_the_Grey
  • 13
    WhereWeretheAdults 2h ago • NTA. I agree with Tim. It is time to rethink the wedding. He is not putting his child first over your dog, he is putting his child first over you. As a father, he is entitled to do that. He is not entitled to the "my way or the highway" act. As a partner, you are free to evaluate if that is the life you want in a marriage.
    via u/WhereWeretheAdults
  • 14
    The other way to look at this is to remove the conflict from the picture and look at his actions. He moved in to your home. Now he is unilaterally making demands. That is a red-flag.
    via u/WhereWeretheAdults
  • 15
    Imchatterbox 2h ago • • NTA for not giving up the dog, but you guys shouldn't have moved in together. I don't see how it would work out. When I started dating my husband, I lived alone with my dog and my cat. I told him we were a package deal. It was all 3 of us, or none of us, because I commit to pets for their whole lives. That worked for me, but my husband didn't have an allergic child from a previous relationship.
    via u/Imchatterbox
  • 16
    • Smol-Angry-Potato 2h ago ⚫ ESH for not breaking up. He got his family to go after you, but you also need to get real about the situation. Either your dog goes or your fiancé goes. There's no way to compromise on this because his daughter's health is at risk. This is an irreconcilable difference and the two of you need to stop pushing the other to concede and just break up.
    via u/Smol-Angry-Potato
  • 17
    I know that's dramatic but I don't see another option. They could move out until Max dies, but that still means you can't EVER have a dog again. Your stepdaughter won't just disappear after she turns 18. She might live at home through college or stay for long vacations. What if she has kids and they're also allergic? Will you effectively just ban them from your house by having a dog? Would your fiancé be okay with that? Are you fine with never having a dog again?
    via u/Smol-Angry-Potato
  • 18
    I get how much you love Max, and if I was in your shoes I wouldn't give him away either. But I would also break up with my fiancé. It's not fair for you to expect him to be ok with his daughter's suffering. It's not fair for him to expect you to dump your dog and not have any resentment or sadness about it. I couldn't be with someone after they made me give up my pet. I think the resentment would just eat away at my feelings for them. Maybe you could move on, but situations like these rarely wor
    via u/Smol-Angry-Potato
  • 19
    EducationalFront574 2h ago .• • Nta absolutely do not give up Max. Your bf is an idiot. He knew about Max and his daughter's allergy before moving in. He did nothing to deal with HIS daughter's problem. He expects you to deal with a problem that is his responsibility. No no no. Is this the relationship you really want where you do all the work and all the compromises. Max is your baby just as his daughter is his. Stand up now or he will dominate you forever.
    via u/EducationalFront574
  • 20
    coastalkid92 • 2h ago • NTA. Unfortunately, this is a case of Tim being a bit blind to what the reality of Emily's allergies are and it's gotten very far down the road. If your child has severe pet allergies, you don't date someone with a pet, full stop.
    via u/coastalkid92
  • 21
    ViewDifficult2428 2h ago • ESH • did the two of you think was going to happen? Did you plan out anything at all? Why would you date, let alone get engaged to, a man with a daughter who's severely allergic to your furry 'familymember'? Why would he date and get engaged to a woman. with a dog, while his child is severely allergic? Did the two of you even discuss this at any time during your relationship? Like, at all?
    via u/ViewDifficult2428
  • 22
    Also, you thinking this can be solved by all those 'compromises' you mentioned, is at least naive, possibly delusional. That girl can not be around a dog, period. The two are mutually exclusive. Same for him thinking you can just give up the dog; delusional. Pick the dog, and learn to think about who you date (and even get engaged to, 6) next time. Ffs.
    via u/ViewDifficult2428
  • 23
    houseofnim · 2h ago. . Your golden is (at least?) seven years old. That's a senior dog and most people won't adopt a senior dog because they will start to have expensive health problems with them being, not to be morbid, close to the end of their life. Rehoming him will not only be very difficult but also incredibly cruel to remove him from the home and people he's known for most of his life.
    via u/houseofnim
  • 24
    You should have never agreed to let him move in with you in the first place because you both knew of her allergies. I'm going with ESH because of that.
    via u/houseofnim

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